–FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—

Every year, Nebraska’s oldest newspaper, the venerable Lincoln Messenger Star Gazette, awards its annual “Huskeroo” honor to a person whom it believes best exemplifies Nebraskan values.  Recipients of the Huskeroo award typically preside as guests of honor at events such as factory decommissionings; tornado chaser conventions; saber and musket shows and quinceaneras.

This year, the Messenger Star Gazette is honored to present the coveted Huskeroo award to James M. Hesby.

Mr. Hesby has served with distinction as the Executive Brands Ambassador for North American Amalgamated Products (NAAP) since 1974.  NAAP is one of America’s largest consumer goods conglomerates.  

After 50 years of distinguished service as Executive Brands Ambassador, Mr. Hesby will be retiring.  The Messenger Star Gazette is proud to present a sampling of Mr. Hesby’s correspondence as NAAP’s highest-ranking customer liaison.  

January 4, 1998

Dear Mr. Poppleman:

This is in response to your letter/package of December 17, 1997.   I regret that you did not enjoy our Darn Tootin’ Frozen ‘Tater Hotdish.  We were proud to introduce the market’s first frozen hotdish so that hungry consumers could enjoy both the hearty bounty of Minnesota cuisine and the convenience of a microwavable, ready-in-minutes casserole.  

I fear, though, that your unhappiness with the Hotdish is attributable not to any flaw in the product, but, instead, to your misreading of the preparation instructions.  These instructions clearly state that the Hotdish is to be microwaved for 5-7 minutes.  In your letter, however, you indicated (in pertinent part): “Well, sir, I nuked that puppy for 57 minutes, just like it said.  After the smoke cleard [sic] the next day, the Hotdish was harder n’ a two-dollar coffin nail.”

We here at North American Amalgamated applaud your proactivity in calling our attention to the perceived deficiencies of the Hotdish.  Should you in the future require our assistance, however, please do not return the product to us in a manila envelope.  Yes, the weather here in Nebraska is, to put it mildly, brisk.  You, however, deposited the package via fourth-class mail, from the decidedly tropical climate of Cicada Creek, Florida.  When one of our consumer intake professionals opened your package, the aroma of the Hotdish (coupled with the swarm of happy and shimmying maggots that had taken residence within) caused her to abruptly tender her notice after she returned from hospital.   

Please accept the enclosed vouchers as a further token of our appreciation of you as a customer.  Should the Hotdish no longer be to your liking, you might enjoy our new Wild Alaskan Salmon Chips; our freeze-dried Wild Holler ‘Coon Jerky; or our exciting new dessert, Kentucky Bourbon Lard Pops.

Very Truly Yours,

James Hesby

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November 19, 2005

Dear Mrs. Meldrop:

Thank you for your letter to us of November 4, 2005, which has been referred to me for response.  At the outset, I wish to extend our company’s thanks for your purchase of our Prairie Heartland Cheddar Lip Balm.  We are pleased to count you among the millions of customers who, every day, continue to enjoy its savory all-weather protection.

You have expressed concern as to whether, as a lactose-intolerant consumer, you should discontinue your use of the lip balm.  From your letter, it appears that your chief complaint is recurring flatulence, which, you noted, inconveniently emerged in settings such as church, Tupperware parties, and baby showers.

First, let me allay your fears.  Prairie Heartland Cheddar Lip Balm has no actual dairy ingredients, and, in fact, is not even biodegradeable.  Rather, it owes its zesty farm-to-table flavor to carefully formulated, Federally Approved flavorings and lab-tested additives.  Why, our internal pre-market tests conclusively demonstrated that this product has a shelf life of over 125 years (making it the ideal—and tastiest!—lip balm for fallout shelters and survival bunkers).

As a goodwill gesture, I have arranged for a case of 24 Prairie Heartland Cheddar Lip Balms to be shipped to you at no charge.  Our marketing studies have confirmed that these are extremely popular as wedding favors, Halloween giveaways and Secret Santa gifts.

Very Truly Yours,

James Hesby

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June 21, 2023

Dear Mrs. Bellagamba:

What a pleasure it was to read your letter (and enclosed photograph) of June 3, 2023!  Almost invariably, I am called upon to review and resolve consumer complaints regarding one of the dozens and dozens of products that North American Amalgamated proudly markets.  So, when you wrote to us to extol the virtues of our newest semi-professional medical product, The Rash Buddy (patent pending), I felt a burst of pride.

For, you see, I was instrumental in bringing The Rash Buddy to market.  Only last year, I realized that the home remedy space was entirely devoid of a Bluetooth-enabled, reusable poultice.  From its simple origins as a “plaster” made from such diverse ingredients as raw onions, oatmeal and bat guano, the humble poultice is still unparalleled in its ability to treat wounds, bruises or skin tag outbreaks.

What commercially available poultices lacked, however, was the ability to use exciting Bluetooth technology as an enhancement to their unparalleled curative powers.  The Rash Buddy boldly stepped in to fill that market void!  I’m sure, by now, that you have downloaded The Rash Buddy’s free app, and paired your Rash Buddy to your smart phone.  

By enabling notifications in your settings, your Rash Buddy can now (using celebrity voices ranging from Samuel L. Jackson to Julie Andrews) announce through your iPhone’s speaker that your poultice needs cleansing; that additional ointment is needed; or that your rash has festered and you should seek immediate medical aid.

Finally, let me express my appreciation for the photograph of you using your Rash Buddy.  Company policy requires that we return any explicit or provocative photographs (and I do so here) but we were all impressed at your bravery and vim!  I, for one, will always treasure what will always remain, seared in my memory, as a truly indelible image. Bravo Madam, and thank you!

Very Truly Yours,

James Hesby

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