– Tim: Lament –
/Recording start
Hello, my name is Tim. Tim Wagner. I… Um… This would be the first time I’m recording myself with this camcorder.
It’s kind of weird to talk to myself like this, but… I needed a place to vent my pain and anger. No way I could do it with Jeffrey, he is my tormentor. Jackson would probably try to convince me to join their side again. And Bernard… he might be part of The Unhumans, but he was too young to hear this and he was too nice for his own good. He would break if he learned about what I had to go through.
Anyway, what was I going to say… Hm…
Oh yeah.
How many times have I died at this point?
I’m too afraid to count it.
Tim’s hand started to shake like an earthquake. Not just his hands, his whole body even. He took deep breaths to stop him from hyperventilating. He stood up from his chair and moved back and forth, trying to pace himself. Every second he didn’t control himself, the closer he was to having a mental breakdown.
I don’t get it.
Why? Why am I becoming like this?
Why did they do this to me?
Or to be more exact, why chose me?
As far as I knew, before all of this, I was a normal human that can die if getting sick or killed. But then this group of people called “The Unhumans” took me and molded me into this… deadless body, an immortal.
They took away most of my memories, then I was forced to kill people. And if I refused, I would be killed by them. Or at least by the one called Jeffrey.
Tim still remembered his first meeting with Jeffrey. The first thing he focused on was his unnatural face. He has rubbery white skin around his face to cover his burn injury, and his eyes were almost always bulging out either because of his rage or overexcitement.
When he first met Jeffrey, Tim thought Jeffrey was going to kill him because he was a murderer, but it never happened. In fact, Jeffrey was welcoming at first. But when Tim refused to kill people and follow their boss’ order, that was when Jeffrey started to torment him. Tim sometimes wished for Jeffrey to be welcoming to him again, but knowing their conflicting condition, it might never happen.
So, Jeffrey. He was probably the only one willing to kill people without blackmail. It’s because his killing was aligning with his goal which was to please his boss, Ringleader. Ringleader needed us to kill people to feed himself with negative emotions. Hurting others was basically the only way to keep himself alive, as horrible as it is. That’s why Jeffrey was insulted by my refusal to kill people and killed me in exchange. Jeffrey knew I would come back to life matter how much he killed me, so he sees this as a method of torture. Well, it was torture alright. I’m afraid to go to sleep or to go anywhere in fear this man will sneak up on me and kill me.
Oh yeah, about the boss… “Ringleader” was the Creator and the Leader of Unhumans. He knew the right word was “Ringmaster,” but he just didn’t like the word and prefer to see himself as a leader rather than master. I’m not complaining because it somehow has a better ring than Ringmaster. Look wise, Ringleader was like a faceless white wax mannequin and wearing fancy clothes you would expect a Ringmaster to wear. A black top hat with red lace circling it, red tailcoat with gold trim on it, and adorned with red bowtie. In exchange for his faceless feature, his face was splotches of various vibrant paints, which is red, blue, and yellow. I don’t know why he is looking like that, but maybe it was a showcase of his true emotions?
I can’t really explain it, but there is something amiss with Ringleader. Don’t get me wrong, he was a cruel and cunning monster. But I can also tell he cares for the people who work under him and following his rules. I don’t want to go into full details, but after Ringleader saved Bernard, he provided him with all kinds of consoles and computers for him to play games. Granted, it was all stolen items, but it’s not like we can get them by normal means anyway. He even created a small clinic for Jackson to work and live in, just to make him more comfortable with staying in the mansion. And Jeffrey, I know almost nothing about Jeffrey’s past except he was indebted to him. Can’t imagine how or why, but it just shows Ringleader at least has a standard for his evil action. If it wasn’t for the situation I was in, I wanted to know more about him.
Talking about the situation and the people in the event with an analytical manner somehow helped Tim to calm his nerves. It was still a stressful topic, but at least he stopped feeling like he was going to go mad.
Back on topic, I have died so much that it basically has become something that I expected to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, it still hurt every time he killed me, but it’s just… become normal to me. I had become indifferent to all the murder the man has done to me. The frequency of his attack has now reduced, but I know Jeffrey hasn’t given up on tormenting me just yet. He will do everything to make me a part of the Unhumans. I wanted to say he could have found a better method to torment me, but knowing how stubborn I am, I would still somewhat find a way to make it insufferable for him. Heh… I probably shouldn’t laugh, he was just doing his job, but I somewhat find enjoyment from his frustration. It is a horrible thing to laugh at others, but I had to find some shred of enjoyment from this pain.
One way or another, I will taste death again and again, so I needed to find a way to accept my current condition, even if I don’t want to. If not, I will go mad and I don’t want to give Jeffrey the satisfaction.
And then…
I need to find out how to get rid of my immortality, if possible.
I need to find out why I was brought into this dimension.
I need to find an advantage from this cursed body.
I need to find a way to fight back.
If I can’t figure that out,
I will never be able to leave this place…
No, let’s not even think about leaving right now. It was a distant goal, and I don’t even know if it’s possible. For now, I just had to stay sane. Just in case I could never leave, I need to find something which will make me feel belong in this world. Sounds impossible right now, but I don’t want to give up just yet…
/Recording stop
Tim took a deep sigh. His whole body was shaking, the thought of the uncertain future stressed him out. But he didn’t let it deter him. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. “That helps to clear my mind. I need to go to sleep now and then think of my next move.”
But as he prepared to go to sleep, he heard the sound of his nightmare.
A sharp knife tip was scraping through the wall. Alongside it was an out of place joyful humming.
Jeffrey was coming.
There was no time for Tim to escape. Ringleader had told him he had an ability to short teleport. But he still couldn’t do it on command. He has no way out of this, so Tim decided to accept his fate. What’s the point of struggling if he couldn’t even defend himself? So he sat on the floor and leaned on the wall to wait for his upcoming death.
Jeffrey tried to open the door to no avail. Ah crap, I forget to unlock the door… sighed Tim. Unsurprising for Tim, Jeffrey started to kick down the door. It took him five kicks before the door went into a full swing.
“Hi, Tim! It’s your scheduled death time!” screamed Jeffrey on top of his lungs with a big smile on his face. But his smile faded when he saw Tim’s position. “What are you doing sitting there??”
“This? Well, I’m not strong enough to fight back, so I’ll just let you kill me.”
His answer only angered Jeffrey more. “Do I look like the type of person who killed a defenseless man?! I want you to react or scream or attack me, dammit! Give me a reason to kill you!”
“…? You already had a reason to kill me, is there? It’s just another Tuesday, no need to overthink it.”
“SHUT UP! YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHAT I FEEL!”
His reaction pissed off Tim. “When will you ever be pleased with me?! When I fought back, you got mad. When I didn’t fight back, you still got mad. What do I have to do to make you happy?!”
“I want you to stop resisting! Just accept our rules already!!!” Although afraid, Tim tried to look into his eyes. Jeffrey’s eyes were all red and his breathing was heavy. He was stressed out from doing this over and over again with no result he wanted.
“…Ah, I see.” Tim gave a weak chuckle. “I’m really sorry, I can’t do that. At least not yet… I want to fight just a bit longer….”
“STOP APOLOGIZING!!! You are not Bernard, for fucking sake!” He got too mad to kill Tim, so he kicked the bed and walked away from him while screaming out his frustration.
Tim used this moment to take some respite, but he knew this moment was temporary. He needed to think of something quick, both for him and maybe Jeffrey’s sake. “Look, I know I couldn’t make you happy. But I still want to make this process less painful for the both of us. So please let me know what I can do to resolve this issue.”
Jeffrey took some time to think. He turned around and asked a question which would fill Tim’s eyes with hope: “In short, you want your death to have purpose?”
“Purpose…?” There was something clicked within Tim when he heard the specific word. He… didn’t want his deaths to be meaningless. If he had to continue dying like this, he wanted something out of it. What is that something? He… didn’t know, at least not yet. But for once, dying didn’t feel so bad. It was the first time Tim let out a genuine smile, albeit a weak one due to his tired mind and body. “…Yeah, I like the sound of that.”
Jeffrey got an indescribable chill when he saw the smile. “Cut that out. I’m not here to make you smile!”
“I know, I know. It’s just…” Tears started to fall from his eyes. His smile was bigger and warm. “…I can’t explain it, but I’m just really happy right now.”
Jeffrey was speechless at this point. He started to worry if he said something dangerous, even though it was not his intention.
Tim looked up to Jeffrey with a firm stare. “Jeffrey, I know it might be weird for me to ask this from you, but… Could you help me figure out my purpose?’
Ah crap. This doesn’t seem to bode well… worried Jeffrey. Despite his concern, he did agree on one thing, this job has become too repetitive for him. At this point, it wouldn’t be just Tim who went insane, he would be dragged into it as well. And he wouldn’t want to make Ringleader sad. “Hell no, but I do have an idea to make my job more interesting. You need to stand up first though.”
Tim followed as he said, and Jeffrey pulled out his knife. Tim had an idea on what Jeffrey was thinking and prepared himself.
“Catch!” Jeffrey threw his knife toward Tim’s chest. Tim’s reaction time was too slow, and the knife lodged deep into his chest. It landed on his lungs which caused Tim to cough blood and gasping for air. Jeffrey was displeased with what he saw. “Disappointing. You have been here for a month and still can’t dodge my attack?! Even boss (Ringleader) already teaches you how to short teleport!” Tim started to lose consciousness, but Jeffrey slapped him to keep him awake a bit longer. “You better improve on your goddamn teleporting skill because I’m going to continue throwing this knife at you again, you hear me?!”
Jeffrey pulled out the knife from Tim’s chest and blood burst out of it. His consciousness dropped more rapidly. Before he lost consciousness, he tried to utter his last words to Jeffrey with a teasing smile. “See you soon, Jeffrey.”
And then darkness engulfed his sight. There was a lot of pain from the stab wound he received. Even so, he could also feel a warm and comforting feeling in his chest.
Maybe there was hope after all.
– Tim: Research –
/Recording start
Just like I promised myself, I decided that I will find out more about my immortal body. I’m going to do research about this, and I will use notes and a camcorder for documentation. I have written down all the things I want to research in these notes. The purpose of this research in whole was to figure out a possible practical use on my immortal state. If I could figure it out, my deaths wouldn’t just be a curse but something meaningful. Even if it’s just for me. I don’t want to continue hating my whole existence.
Before I begin, there are some new terms I need to explain first. I decided to give a name to my situation. I called it “respawn”. I learned this term from Bernard, God bless Bernard… Why “respawn”? Because just like in a game, when you die, you will be brought back to the latest checkpoint. Except my only checkpoint is this bedroom. And only my state of body is being reset. Other than that, time still flows like normal. With that out of the way, we can start.
The first thing I want to find out is what happens to my corpse after I die. My hypothesis is either my corpse just disappears, or my body doesn’t actually disappear, and it just so happens that Jeffrey or Ringleader threw away my body before I could check on it. Correlated or not, I also need to count how long it would take between me being dead and being brought back to life.
Here is the experiment I am going to do for my current research. I will kill myself and recording the whole thing. Using that camcorder, I will be able to tell how long it took for me to be respawned to my bed. After this experiment, I will write down the result, conclusion, and what next thing I need to test out, if any.
After writing all of the necessary details down into his notebook while recording himself, Tim stared at the gun right beside the book. With this gun, he was going to kill himself. He wondered if this would be count as suicide or not since he couldn’t die. Tim was so numb from dying that the idea of putting a gun to his head didn’t sound crazy to him at all.
He pulled the trigger.
“See you soon, me”.
BANG.
/Recording Paused
/Recording Start
I’m back. That is honestly really uneventful. I suppose that’s because it was a quick death. Don’t ramble, get to the point, Tim.
The result of the experiment is interesting. Apparently, all of my hypotheses are inaccurate. When I woke up, I saw that my dead body slowly turned into ashes. Before I stopped the recording, I used the camcorder timer to check how long it took for my body to fully dissolve into ashes. The answer is around five minutes… Then I stopped the recording and checked how long it takes for me to respawn on the bed. It took me two minutes for my body to get respawned at my bed and then another minute for me to fully wake up. The camera also glitched when the whole respawns happened.
That is conveniently quick. So, if Jeffrey killed me in the future, I could quickly get back at Jeffrey for revenge if I choose to do it. …Although I’m not sure if I want to do it. Not because he didn’t deserve it, but because like he always said, “I’m just doing my job.” He had a reason to live in this mansion, so I… …I’m very conflicted with this… I’ll think about this later…
In conclusion, the respawn skill without accounting for my dissolved body took only three minutes. The effect of the respawn is turning my dead body to ashes. It took five minutes for my body to turn to ashes. I speculate the reason why it was designed like this is so that no one can have an autopsy on my body, and also, nobody needs to clean up my body. Imagine if dead people on earth can do this, there will be no problem with lack of graveyard space anymore. But there would be an air pollution from all the ashes…
The next research is going to figure out if there is a cooldown for this skill. What I mean is… if I died again right after I respawn, would it still take the same time for me to respawn? Or would it take longer for me to respawn?
I’m sorry for doing this to myself, me.
/Recording end
After all of that note writing on his conclusion and recording, Tim closed his notebook. He laid down his head on the book and started laughing. He tried to hold it back, but it only got louder.
“Why… Why am I laughing?? There is nothing funny about this…!” But the more he tried to control himself, the more booming his laughter became. And a flood of tears started to fall from his face. He didn’t know the specific word to explain his feeling right now, but one thing he knew for sure, it was freeing. Maybe if he kept this up, he would eventually be more joyful in his new existence. There was nothing wrong with him hoping, right?
Tim knew how bad his action was, but what else could he do? These were the few choices he could make for himself, and they couldn’t take this one away from him as long as he was capable of thinking for himself. He would no longer have to die for the sake of dying. And this is not out of self-hatred either.
He did it for the sake of the research.
– Jackson: His Determination –
Jackson’s hollow eyes couldn’t help but keep looking toward Tim.
There was something wrong with Tim.
Ever since Tim joined The Unhumans and learned about what kind of job they do, he always had a depressed look on his face, and his eyes were lifeless. His body also always slumped. But now everywhere he went, he was standing straight, and his steps were firm. His eyes were still lifeless, but instead of looking to the ground, his eyes were filled with purpose and direction. Jackson would normally be happy with this news. But this could mean Tim was looking for a way to fight back, and they couldn’t have that if they wanted to convert Tim to The Unhumans side. Jackson had his reasons for following Ringleader’s order, so he would have to figure out why Tim changed so much.
When stressing out, the black fluid from his hollow eyes would drip more than usual. So much that it would flood and drip to the floor. And unfortunately for him, Tim took notice. “Are you okay, Jackson? You look stressed out.”
It’s all because of you… Jackson thought to himself. “Don’t mind me. I’m just running out of medical items in my infirmary. I will have to refill them soon” lied Jackson. “What about you, Tim? Unlike me, you seem to be happier.”
Tim’s eyes widened. He didn’t seem to notice the drastic change within him. “You…think so? Heh, I didn’t notice… More reason for me to own a mirror.” said Tim with a playful tone.
Tim’s cheery tone astounded Jackson even more. He tried not to let it show on his face. “No, you still look the same, Tim. It’s your posture that’s different.”
“Oh really? You are very observant, Jackson. I wouldn’t know if you didn’t tell me,” praised Tim.
“Don’t sell yourself short. You are also highly observant in your own way. For example, you were quick to learn how to play games when you only played it for a week or less.”
“That’s all thanks to Bernard. He was very patient with me and really great at explaining the game mechanics.”
“Yeah, Bernard is really good with people.” Enough with the small talk, it’s time for Jackson to dug deeper. “Well, anyway. Why are you so happy lately?”
Tim’s expression quickly became solemn. He clearly had something to hide. His eyes darted and cold sweat dripped from his forehead, attempting to find a way to explain himself. But in the end, he took a deep breath, and with an unwavering stare looked into Jackson’s hollow eyes filled with endless black fluid. “If I told you, what are you going to do with that information?”
His stare brought shivers to Jackson’s body. He had changed, for better and for worse. “Just curious, that’s all. Seeing you like this made me happy.” This one was neither the lie nor the truth. Again, Jackson was legit happy for Tim’s change, but he needed Tim to join them, not against them.
“I simply found a reason for moving forward that didn’t involve killing innocent people.”
See? Jackson knew he was still against them. “Oh, congratulations. I’m happy for you. If you don’t mind, would you like to share what is that new reason?”
Tim looked at Jackson with a suspicious stare. He knew Jackson has never done anything to stop Jeffrey’s torture toward him. Although Bernard was the same, at the very least Bernard cried for him every time he died, but Jackson only looked away and pretend nothing happened. So for him to care now… Tim refused to believe Jackson didn’t have a dark intention behind his questions. “Jackson, cut it out. You wouldn’t be this nice to me unless you want something out of me. Just tell me what you really want.”
…What a disappointment. Just like he thought, Tim was highly observant like him. He let out a sigh. “You caught me. Sorry for trying to deceive you,” said Jackson while raising his hands slightly.
“You gave up quite quickly.”
“You are smart, Tim. Even if I deflected, you would still see past me.”
“I wish you could stop complimenting me while also beating me to the ground…!” exasperated Tim. “Let me guess, you want to figure out what changed me so you could take that away from me??”
“If that could help with converting you to our side, then yes.” answered Jackson with a cold stare.
Tim let out a tired grunt into his hands. “Please just leave me alone…! I am not bothering anyone with what I’m doing, so why did you have to keep bothering me??” pleaded Tim.
But if it were that simple, Jackson wouldn’t do what he was doing right now. “The moment you refuse to comply, your plea has been ignored. Stop making things complicated for yourself. I really don’t understand why you continue fighting against us. Is your morality so important you would rather continue dying for it??” Tim let out a weird laugh. Is that a sarcastic laugh…? asked Jackson to himself, attempting to understand the man’s reaction.
“Hah… I shouldn’t have talked to you. I was expecting a friendly talk, but instead you started to lecture me again.” grumbled Tim.
“You already know we couldn’t be true friends if you keep refusing your role in The Unhumans. And you still haven’t answered the question.” answered Jackson with a venomous voice, attempting to create distance from Tim.
Tim was heartbroken to see Jackson switch, even though he knew why Jackson did it. “It’s not even a matter of morality anymore. Because in the end I still killed people when you forced me to. For example, there was a time when Jeffrey made the victims bleed to death and I had to be the one finishing the job. I had tried to help our targets in the past, but so far it always ended in failure and painful death for me and them, so I stopped doing it for now.” His breath was ragged when the memory of those moments popped in his head. They were squirming and swimming in their own blood. They couldn’t speak, but he knew they were begging to be released from their slow death. Tim had no choice but to give it to them out of mercy.
“But you see, Jackson, that’s the route Unhumans have created for me. They forced me to become a heartless murderer. And my endgame was either go insane or accept the killing lifestyle in this world. I don’t have a choice either way. Right now, all I want more than anything is to have a choice, any choice that was made by my own hand. That’s why I had to fight back, even if it would bring pain to me and all of you.”
Tim’s explanation drove Jackson into uncontrollable fear. He grabbed Tim’s faded brow jacket around his upper chest and shoved him to the wall. His fingers were clawed into Tim’s skin through the cloth. “Stop saying that!!! I want to stop seeing you dying from Jeffrey or anyone else! I want to stop your suffering! Isn’t it better to suffer together than on your own??”
Tim started to sob out of frustration. He tried to push off Jackson’s cold and pale gray hands off him and tried to scratch him through his blue hoodie. But unfortunately it didn’t work against an undead like Jackson. “If you really meant that, then stop me for thinking for myself! Turn me into a zombie, maybe use a lobotomy or something similar! But I don’t want to comply! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!!”
A flood of black fluid dripped from Jackson’s eyes, even more than usual. Tears came out from his eyes and mixing with the black fluid, creating a mess on his face and clothes. But he tried to keep himself stern and unmoving. Jackson was simply stronger, and he was able to break Tim’s ribs with his hands alone. Tim’s tormented scream echoed through the hall. “Tell me what changed you!!” demanded Jackson.
Tim attempted to speak through his pain. “I refuse to tell you directly, but I can show you… I have a diary documenting my sin…. Read it and then you’ll find out the truth…!”
“A sin…?” So what changed him has something to do with a sin…? Was it killing? No, there shouldn’t be any reason to keep it a secret from them, and it was clear Tim was against killing. Could it be somehow worse than killing? Nothing came to mind right now. But still, the fact that Tim refused to tell him right now implied it was something he was ashamed of admitting.
“But on one condition… You have to take me with you! That way, I can explain why I did it the way I did….” begged Tim.
Jackson gave it some thought. “You better don’t lie to me.” He eventually loosened his grip on his chest. He then put Tim on his back and brought him to the infirmary.
Jackson broke his bones and yet also attended to it. Tim let out a befuddled sigh. Tim could not help but wonder what has changed Jackson to this point. At least with him, Jackson didn’t like to talk about his past. But based on what Bernard told him, Jackson was once the nicest person he ever knew. But now his kindness was reserved only if he knew for sure there were no consequences for it, or if it’s a two-way ticket.
They reached the infirmary and Jackson lay him on a chair. He grabbed a bottle filled with a mix of blue liquid and shining silver powder. He then spread it over Tim’s broken ribs. Tim could sense his bones were starting to move to their original location.
“As usual, it will take at least five minutes minimum until your bone fully heals, or maximum fifteen minutes depending on the severity,” informed Jackson like a doctor he was. He then put a strap on Tim’s chair, to make sure he wouldn’t move too much or leave the room before he fully healed. And for one other devious reason… “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll check your room now.”
“Wait what…?” Before Tim could object, Jackson had already walked through the door. And to Tim’s dismay, he also locked the door. “Wait! I thought we were going there together! Please don’t leave me here! You are not ready!”
“No need to be so dramatic, I’ll come back before you know it.”
“STOP!!! YOU PROMISED, JACK! YOU PROMISED!!!”
“I never say I agree to your terms. I’m just saying you shouldn’t lie to me.” Jackson ignored his cries and continued his walk toward Tim’s room. “Alright then… It’s time to figure out Tim’s little secret….”
Brigitta. G. H was born and lived in Jakarta, Indonesia. She started writing through fan fiction and then branched into more original fiction stories. The stories she writes focus on the people living in a world more different and darker than our own and following through the dramas and adventures in their lives. Her stories always had underlying dark themes and plots, but she never forgot to add wholesome and funny moments to it. For stories at least, she didn’t believe in pure darkness. Find her at her website, Instagram @brigitta.g.h, or FB.
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