I’m a diviner, well-practiced
in the art of the Japanese tarot,
personality typing, prophetic dreams
and the use of talismans.

I am also a shaman with an advanced degree
in head-shrinking, bone-pointing,
evil-eye spells, astrological numerology,
locating lost items and big cat whispering.

And an exorcist with a proven track record
of eradicating demons from Uganda
to the Middle East to the leafy suburbs
of the United States.

I can levitate, handle venomous snakes,
walk on hot coals, read palms,
shapeshift, swallow fire, and am
a recent alien abductee.

While my experience
in construction work is limited,
I have Druid in my blood and, last time
I looked, Stonehenge was still standing.