“Whether it’s a dream or my imagination it’s always the same place. I’m on the ledge of the window, looking out. I sit there, I don’t know how long. It couldn’t really have been very long. I’ve just thrown Debbie and Johnny out the window and the policemen caught them. I’m trying to get my breath. I’ve been back and forth but now it’s so much worse. Behind it’s all smoke, I can’t see and can’t breathe. I know I have to go back in and try again to find Freddie but if I do, I won’t get far and I’ll die with him, I know I will. I almost already passed out. I see that and that’s what I want to do. But if I die Debbie and Johnny won’t have a mother. That’s where I always go back to, that ledge.

Sometimes Freddie comes to me in the night and sits on the bed and smiles and talks to me. He’s never mad at me, he wants me to be happy. He’s always 10, like he was. If I really succeed next time, I’ll be with him. I know you don’t believe that, but I don’t care.”

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Jim Carpenter is a writer and psychologist/therapist.